Your Dream Relationship is Knocking – class notes
The 3 Keys That Will Open the Door to Life-Long Love
Today I’m would like to share with you the top 3 keys, that when you apply them, will open the door to the committed, fulfilling relationship you have been looking for.
Disclaimer: As a result of what you will learn today, when you apply it, you will have fewer dates BUT they will be with more qualified men. These are what I call Greats instead of dates because you will be going out with Great men, having a Great time together that leads to a Great future.
1 – Going From Searching to Sorting –
When it comes to finding a partner, you don’t have a searching or finding problem at all. With over 7 Billion people on the planet you have a sorting problem. No matter if you are interested in men or women, you have no less than 3.5 billion options available to you when looking for a partner. Clearly a HUGE sorting problem. So how do you solve it?
First, if you are looking from the perspective of “Is he or isn’t he”, and most people are, this is searching. “Is he kind or generous or thoughtful or isn’t he?”
But asking “how is he…”, this is sorting. “How is he being kind?” “How is he being generous?”
For example, let’s say a quality you know you need is that someone be generous. So you go on a date and you are trying to see “is this person generous?” You will likely be asking yourself, “Is this person generous? Is he/she or isn’t he/she.”
The problem with this scenario is that your mind has a limited number of ways it can see generosity. Maybe 5-10 ways your brain has experienced generosity in your life. So what happens is as follows: he/she didn’t do what I would do to be generous, didn’t do what my parents did to be generous, didn’t do what my best friend does to be generous, he didn’t even do what my favorite aunt does to be generous….which leads to the conclusion “Nope, he’s not generous – I’m out.”
It is almost like thinking about the color blue. There are only three shades of blue in the world and that’s it. So you ask is it blue or not and if it is not one of those three shades then it is not blue. Make sense?
If you are really committed to “seeing” what you need in the world then the trick is to shift from black and white, on/off, is / isn’t to all kinds of colors, all kinds of possibility. How you do that is just by changing the question from is or isn’t he/she generous to – How is this man or this woman generous? How is this person respectful? How is this person compassionate? How is this person honest?
Key Point: Whatever the qualities that you selected that you are sorting for, Ask the HOW IS question instead of the “IS” / ISN’T question. How is this person generous?
If you do that. “How is this person generous?” becomes the question that is hanging out in your mind. This will trigger the Reticular Activator – are you familiar with the Reticular Activator? It is something that happens in your brain when you select what you are sorting for, where your brain picks it out for you. This is the same phenomenon you experience when you decide to buy a red car and suddenly you see red cars everywhere or you decide to have a baby then you notice babies everywhere.
Now your brain will go looking for generosity in ways and places that it hasn’t seen before. It is going to shift and start exploring “Well, was that generosity? Is that a form of generosity? That seemed like that was generous. How is this person generous?” Maybe he doesn’t pick up the check but look how generous he is with his time, with his advice, with his compliments, with his support. Make sense?
This give you the opportunity to define what you are looking for more and more specifically. As you do this, you will start thinking, “Oh, that version was nice, but not as nice as this version.” So you let go of that version and stay with this one. This helps you refine what is important to you.
As you refine what is important to you, you will be able to paint a clearer picture of yourself or what you like doing, and this helps men sort themselves in or out. I encourage you to shift from using connecting words like, secure, fun, active, successful etc. that everyman feels describes him, to painting a clear picture of what active looks like or what fun looks like or what successful looks like.. This approach lets the men do the heavy lifting.
And here is the bonus. When you are clear about you, the men you are with often times say, “I’m not the one, but you need to meet my brother, my friend, a guy I work with…”
Example – A woman in Dallas told me she and her friend attending the benefit for LGBT organization. They gave out their phone numbers to more people than they ever had. Since they had nothing to lose in this setting they were simply being themselves, and doing so made them very attractive and people wanted their friends, brothers, fathers etc to meet these beautiful women.
You may be thinking “but I do have something to lose when I am on a date because he might be “the One”. If he is “the One” you being you will not scare him off, it will endear him to you. He will be totally charmed and enchanted with you. What makes him “the One” is that he loves you for who you are.
Do you have a vision board of some type? When do you show it to the guy you are dating? It is very hard for a man to love you for who you are if you don’t show him.
Another way of searching is to be Chasing “maybes”. Everyone has clear “yeses” that are currently available. But often times we are putting most of our energy into chasing “maybes.”
When you chase “maybes”, you take your attention off of the “yeses” and they lose interest.
Seeing a man for who he is now – complete: having everything he needs to be his best in this moment – allows him to love you.
Your “maybes” are simply “nos” you think could be “yeses” if only they were more of this or less of that. These are projects. And I have never seen a “project relationship” that leads to happiness.
Fall in love with who the men are right now and you will be much happier. Until you appreciate him for where he is now, he cannot move forward.
So follow your “yeses!”
The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said it best when he said – “Chase two rabbits and both will escape.”
2 – Form to Essence –
GAME – Make a list of things you want in your perfect man. He looks like this, has this type of career or level of education or that type of relationship with his family etc. Then take each form you have listed and identify what the essence of that thing is. What does it provide you or make you feel?
What are some of the things you came up with.
When you focus on the form, the surface or superficial stuff, you can easily get distracted from what is below the surface. Often times focusing on the form is where the trouble is brewing.
As my friend Alison Armstrong says, “Relationships sink from the holes that were in them to begin with.”
The reason you miss the holes is you were focused on the form.
Focus on the Essence of what this man provides and you will have much richer relationships than you ever imagined.
The Universe has so many more forms than you could ever think of that fit the essence you are looking for, perfectly. Focus on the essence and the Universe will present you with the forms.
3 – Communication – How to get a man to open up.
How many of you are tired of getting one word answers from men? I have a very simple way to get the men in your life to give you amazingly deep and meaningful answers. Would you like to know what it is?
When a woman asks a man how he feels about something, he will commonly say “I don’t know” because he truly doesn’t know. What “I don’t know” means in Menglish is “I don’t know, I’ll go check” But since the “I’ll go check” part is obvious, men often don’t say it because men don’t state what they feel is obvious, that would be a waste of energy.
As you know, women have their feelings on the surface. Everything in a woman’s life is attached to an emotion.
Men keep their feelings some place else. Locked away because men need to safeguard their feelings so they aren’t used against them. This is the innate warrior mentality. If the emotions are on the surface they can be used to attack them and they will likely die.
What I encourage you to do is wait no less than 30 seconds, which will feel like an eternity, after asking a man how he feels or anything else for that matter, so they have time to “go check.” You will be amazed at how much a man will open up to you when you do this.
Remember, just because a man does not respond to a question the way you would, does not mean he is unresponsive. Give him space to reply in the way that works for him and you will experience surprisingly deep communication.
Bonus Key –
If you just apply this one thing, it will improve every relationship you have with men forever. When asking for something, let him know what it will provide for you. Such as: “When you take the trash out it makes me feel safe or important or special.”
This informs him of the price of not doing it. This is also a great thing to ask of whoever you are in a relationship with when they do not offer this information without prompting. Simply ask them, “What would that provide for you?”
It will take some practice, but once offering and asking what it provides becomes a regular part of our communications you will wonder how you ever lived without this information.
Blind Spots –
You have a blind spot. Everyone does. And no one can see their own blind spot.
It turns out that your blind spots sit right next to your brilliance. And since you cannot see what is in your blind spot, your minds think there is nothing there. But there is. What I help people identify and resolve is their energetic blind spot. The thing that trips you up time and time again, keeping you from love.
It is like you are standing in front of a door and you know that on the other side is true love. Even if you have a key for all of the locks on the door, something is keeping it from opening.
You hear someone knocking on this door and go to open it only to be stopped short because there is a chain across the door that you can’t see.
That chain is your blind spot. It is often the simplest to open, requiring no key at all, but unless you are aware of what it is and how to resolve it, it will stop you every time.
Once you get clear on what is your blind spot to love, you will find the door swinging open. The unfulfilling patterns you were used to experiencing in your relationships will be gone. Where you used to get tripped up, your relationship will keep progressing and getting stronger.
Please be clear, I am not a dating coach because the women I work with have told me they are looking for more than just a date. They are ready to start building memories with the love of their life.
My specialty is in clarifying your blind spots. When we work together we will pinpoint the energy that has been tripping you up so the keys you learn from myself or anyone else will finally allow you to fling the door wide open to life-long love.
I designed the Unlocking Life-Long Love Program for people who are tired of:
One dead-end relationship after another?
Always attracting partners who need saving or fixing, are commitment-phobes, lack maturity or are just plain losers?
Spending weeks or months building a relationship with someone you are sure is “The One” only to have it fall apart, getting hurt and ending up back at square one again?
The Unlocking Life-Long Love Program is for you if:
You are tired of feeling like there must be something wrong with you
Getting the dates but not getting the relationship and certainly not the ring
You are tired of hearing the guys you date say, “You’re great but…” as they break up with you.
Are you are ready to end the cycle of dead-end relationships? Or you are looking to attract more relationships because they have been few and far between, then the Unlocking Life-Long Love Program is perfect for you. (A course overview is below)
If you are ready to resolve your blind spot and open the door to the kind of deeply connected love you have longed for, then this Program is your next step.
I have a gift for seeing the version of you that comes forward when you have this deep connection. And I have to tell you, it is beautiful beyond compare. And I want the world to get to experience that version of you.
I would love to work with you, so that one day soon, we will see each other again and you can introduce me to the love of your life.
Simply email me at HelloKenBechtel@gmail.com to let me know you are ready to take your next step and get started working together.
“Before working with Ken I thought all men were losers. Now that I understand how they are wired differently, I can connect with men in an exciting new way”
Molly – Boulder CO
“After working with Ken, my perspective on dating has been shifted from I have to get this right – to fun, play and ease.”
– Cathy – Dallas TX
“You helped me refocus from the characteristics I was looking for like: college educated, financially stable etc to what I get from partnership. What is the imprint on me? That was life changing.”
Leslie R, Los Angeles CA
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